Lois: It seems today that all you see is violence in movies and sex on T.V.
Peter: But, Where are those good ol' fashion values ...
All: ... on which we used to rely?
All: Lucky there's a Family Guy!
All: Lucky there's a man who, positively can do all the thing that make us ...
Stewie: ...Laugh and cry!
All: He's a Family Guuuuuuuuuuuuy!
Peter Griffin - Can't Touch Me
The Family Guy Lyrics - Petoria Episode
Peter: Can't touch me! Can't touch me! J-J-J-Just like the bad guy from Lethal Weapon 2, I've got diplomatic immunity, so Hammer you can't sue. I can write graffiti, even jaywalk in the street. I can riot, loot, not give a hoot, and touch your sister's teet. Can't touch me! You can't touch me!
Mayor Adam West: What in God's name is he doing?
Peter: You can't touch me!
Cleveland: I believe that's the worm.
Peter: Stop, Peter Time! I'm a big shot, there's no doubt. Light a fire, then pee it out. Don't like it? Kiss my rump! Just for a minute lets all do The Bump! Can't touch me! Yeah do the Peter Griffin Bump! Can't touch me! I'm presidential Peter, interns think I'm hot. Don't care if you're handicapped, I'll still park in your spot. I've been around the world, from Hartford to Bombay. It's Peter, Go Peter! Yo Peter! I'm so Peter, let's see Regis rap this way! Can't touch me! Except for you, you can touch me.
Stewie Griffin - My Fat Baby Love's To Eat
The Family Guy Lyrics - Witness Protection Episode
Stewie: Warm out today. Warm yesterday. Even warmer today.
Met her on my CB, said her name was Mimi.
Sounded like an angel come to Earth,
When I went to meet her man you should've seen her.
Twice as tall as me, three times the girth.
Oh my fat baby loves to eat
A big ol' Buddha belly
And her breasts swing past her feet
My fat baby loves to eat
My big ol' fat-ass baby loves to eat
I've got blisters on my fingers!
Peter Griffin - I Need A Jew
The Family Guy Lyrics - When You Wish Upon A Weinstein Episode
Peter: Nothing else has worked so far,
So I'll wish upon a star,
Wondrous sparkling speck of light,
I need a Jew...
Lois makes me take the rap,
'Cause our checkbook looks like crap,
Since I can't give her a slap,
I need a Jew...
Where to find
A Baum or Stien or Stein
To teach me how to whine
And do my taxes...
Though by many they're abhorred,
Hebrew people I've adored,
Even though they killed my lord,
I need a Jew!
Max: Hi, my name's Max Weinstein,
my car just broke down,
can I use you phone?
Peter: Now my troubles are all through
I have a Jew!
Max: Hey!
Peter Griffn (As Lando Griffin - Give Up The Toad Now
The Family Guy Lyrics - Season 2 Episode 14
You'll get chills all through your body,
and you'll lose all control,
of your bladder and your sphincter,
That's your butt-hole!
Cause if you use toad,
then I'm telling you,
you can kiss your life good-bye.
Yeah, when you use toad,
It'll mess you up.
It'll make your mama cry,
that's no lie.
You'll choke on your tongue and die.
Gotta give it up
(Give up the toad now)
It's no joke,
buddy give it up
(Gotta give up the toad now)
Or you'll croack,
buddy give it up
(Gotta give up the toad now)
And don't smoke,
or you'll see,
it hurts to pee.
There'll be blood gushing from you,
every time that you cough.
And forget getting lucky,
it falls off.
You better wise up,
because I'm telling you,
toad is what Lando forbids.
Gotta give it all up,
or you're gonna see,
your whole life will hit the skids,
and your kids will be born without eyelids.
Gotta give it up
(Give up the toad now)
Thanks to you, Lando,
Give it up
Give up the toad now
Thanks to you, Lando,
Give it up
(Gotta give up the toad now)
I'm no fool,
Lando's cool.
Yeah
Brian & Stewie - Rhode Island Bound
Stewie Griffin, Brian Griffin: [singing] We're off on the road to Rhode Island/We're having the times of our lives
Stewie Griffin: Take it, dog.
Brian Griffin: We're quite a bit of partners just like Velma and Louise/Except you're not six feet tall/
Stewie Griffin: Yes, and your breasts don't reach your knees.
Brian Griffin: Give it time
Stewie Griffin, Brian Griffin: We're off on the road to Rhode Island/ We're certainly going in style
Brian Griffin: I'm with an intellectual who craps inside his pants
Stewie Griffin: How dare you, at least I don't leave urine stains on all the household plants.
Brian Griffin: Oh, pee jokes.
Stewie Griffin, Brian Griffin: We've traveled a bit and we fooooound/ Like a masocist in Newport/We're Rhode Island bound.
Brian Griffin: Crazy travel conditions huh?
Stewie Griffin: First class and no class.
Brian Griffin: Whoa, careful with that joke. It's an antique.
Stewie Griffin, Brian Griffin: We're off on the road to Rhode Island/We're not going to stop 'till we're theeeere
Brian Griffin: Maybe for a beer. Whatever dangers we may face we'll never fear or cry/
Stewie Griffin: Until we're syndicated Fox will never let us die, please!
Stewie Griffin, Brian Griffin: We're off on the road to Rhode Island/The home of that old campus swing/
Brian Griffin: We'd like to get some college girls and picnic on the grass/
Stewie Griffin: We'd tell you more but we would have the censors on our ass.
Brian Griffin: Yikes!
Stewie Griffin, Brian Griffin: We certanly do get around/Like a bunch of renegade pilgrims who were thrown out of Plymouth Colony/We're Rhode Island bound/Or like two groups of college freshmen who were rejected from Harvard and forced to go to Brown/We're Rhode Iiiiislaaaaand bouuuuuuuund.